If you’re into astrology, you’ll get a good read on who I am when I say I’m a Virgo sun, Virgo moon and Scorpio rising. If you don’t know astrology, I’ll break it down for you. I approach life in a practical and systematic way. I rarely act impulsively and I’m composed when it comes to expressing my emotions. I have a variety of characteristics such as determination and intensity, self-transformation and growth, a little bit of mystery and an aura of strength.
Now, astrology is never completely accurate — I rarely keep my composure regarding my emotions and I am in no way mysterious due to my uncanny ability to overshare when literally no one asks. However, the rest of it is pretty spot-on.
This big three, as amazing as it is, has one major downside: I can be very critical of myself.
I’m not an impulsive person. I hate changing plans at the last minute. I don’t do well with new environments. I’m not the best at meeting new people and even worse at making new friends. Just the thought of my world altering in any way, shape or form is enough to put a little shake in my hand.
Whenever I do something on a whim, I tend to look back on it and ask, “Why did I do this?” It could be as harmless as talking to someone in my class or as silly as dancing with my friends on a Saturday night. Whatever it may be, I reflect on it and step away feeling embarrassed. What was a fun moment and could have been a hilarious memory is now forever tarnished because I couldn’t stop thinking about how stupid or annoying I must have seemed.
This way of thinking tends to send me into a spiral of self-doubt and isolation so as to keep myself from, well, embarrassing myself.
As I am writing this, I am 20 years old. I cannot look back on my 20 years of life and regret any and every little thing I did that is outside of my usual controlled, systematic self. So, I decided to stop.
“It’s not embarrassing unless you make it embarrassing.”
Anytime I reflect negatively on my happy and fun memories, I say that phrase. No one is more critical of you than yourself. I can almost 100% guarantee that no one truly cares what I post on Instagram or Snapchat. No one is going to say I’m annoying for making conversation with people I see around. I’m not going to have to move countries and change my name just because people saw me shake it to “Rude Boy” by Rihanna. These minor yet entertaining parts of my 20 years of existence have no actual impact on the universe, so why should I make them such a big deal?
It’s a lot more said than done when it comes to rewriting your inner monologue. I still get into the self-deprecation and deep analysis of every movement made and word spoken. But no change happens overnight — it’s gradual.
Since I’ve started changing this mindset of mine, I can definitely say how much better I am doing mentally. I don’t second-guess myself as much as I used to and I let myself enjoy being goofy or weird or dramatic or energetic. And other people can see it too. When you start to feel better about yourself, people gravitate towards you — something I never knew until it happened. Suddenly, I don’t feel so alone or awkward around people I don’t know, but rather I embrace the newness of those around me.
So, if we’re going to get into the “if you take away anything from this” thing that is in every single self-reflecting article ever written, take away this: stop criticizing your happiness. Because, and I mean this genuinely, nothing is embarrassing unless you make it embarrassing.
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