Regret, in my opinion, is the worse kind of pain you can feel. The constant longing to change the events of your past, your actions and words and thoughts that you wish you could take back. But regret is a basic part of the human experience, right? Being haunted by your mistakes is all part of growing — a lesson I have struggled to accept.
When I was 12, I left my hometown of Annapolis, to live the “island life” on St. Croix. At the time, I was disappointed to be leaving my home for a place I only knew on month-long summer visits. Sometimes, I wish I grew up there like I was meant to — my family planned to move down there when I was five, but it fell through at the last minute and I stayed in good-old Navy town.
But, looking back, I have never wished that I stayed in Annapolis my whole life.
It’s nothing against Annapolis, which is a place I truly do love. But I think that says something, that I wish I could’ve lived in St. Croix my whole life while never wishing the same for Annapolis. So much of myself is rooted in St. Croix — the culture, the people, the experience. I can’t imagine who I would be without that part of my life, or, at least, I don’t want to imagine it.
One thing that wracks my brain, that controls my thoughts, is the looming ache of regret I feel when I look back on my time on the island. Why? I just said I wouldn’t trade that experience for the world, so how could I regret it?
I’m proud of the person I am today, but I am not proud of the person I was back then. I took things for granted, I hurt my friends, and I caused a lot of pain. When I look back on the person I was, I feel disgusted, embarrassed, mortified that I carried myself that way. That I was proud to carry myself that way. It’s horrendous.
But worst of all: I never appreciated the island as I should have.
My parents just sold our condo, our small home, after having it since I was 11. I cried when they told me. How could they just give away this place that is so important to me, to my adolescence and personal growth, and just who I am as a person?
What I have come to realize while writing this is that, by selling our old home, by removing our sole attachment to the island, they are not removing part of myself. They are not stripping pieces of my past, but they are, instead, moving towards the future.
I’ll always have my experiences. Just because I no longer have a place to live on St. Croix does not mean I have to forget the island altogether. That place helped me grow, not when I lived there but when I left.
Yes, I have my regrets. I will always regret never going to the beach every weekend or not looking at the stars every night. But I will always remember, always reminisce on what could have been if I had taken the time to appreciate what I had.
That is was I take with me — appreciation, gratefulness, growth, love. I vow to never take advantage of what I have, what I get to experience, and I will cherish that vow with every part of my being until the day I leave this world.
I will always regret my past, but I hope to never regret my future.
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